DareDreemer

I’ve been trying to sit down and write this post for sometime. I don’t know if anyone who follows me will even read this or care, but I just feel like I need to write something about whats going in my life right now. I’m not on a hiatus, (though I probably should be), nor am I dead or sick. I was sick the first half of March. Sick with a head cold and allergies that is, but I’ve been recovered for some time now. No, what is going on is my Mother has been in out of the hospital since March 2nd. She was actually in the hospital for all of March and since getting home has had to be taken to the hospital a couple times thereafter. 

Everything is very stressful and chaotic. I was hoping for a better year this year, and while at times it has been better than last year, it has also been just down right awful. I’m so behind on everything, and every time I think things are finally ironing out, the carpet gets yanked out from under me yet again. 

The problem is my Mother is not a good patient. And every time she gets sick, or her health declines further, instead of changing her ways to improve her life, she lets herself go further. This in turn stresses both my Dad and myself out. Everything becomes chaos and everyone starts going at each other. 

On top of all that…my Mother’s health is beginning to affect mine. I’m sort of use to her going to the hospital. Ever since I turned 12 my Mom has had multiple health issues and scares, but this time it feels different. Back in December when she was omitted to the hospital for bleeding water. Yes my mom on occasion bleeds water, not blood, after being punctured. Well this time it just wouldn’t stop, so she had to be taken to the hospital. 

See a few years ago my Mother’s legs began to swell. It was water retention. She’s been taking water pills for a while. They don’t always help her, cause she is bad about taking them. And she has to wear compression socks and shoes, which she didn’t even began to do until last Summer. There in lies a lot of our issues. 

Well in December, the fluids, (water), had began to fill her abdomen and chest cavity. Therefore she has been diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure. Lifestyle changes and exercise can allow you too live for quite sometime, but if not treated and taken care of properly, the fluid will eventually suffocate you. Either by filling the lungs or crushing the heart. This is of course layman’s terms. For more official lingo, I encourage looking it up and reading about it. 

Unfortunately, despite everything my Mom has been through, she still won’t follow orders and falls back into bad habits the minute she returns home. She fights myself and my Dad on almost everything. This time, however, I think her time is finally winding down. And this has left me very anxious. I’m battling my own emotions. I’ve been depressed. Eating myself sick. Experiencing sleeplessness and strange dreams. The only thing helping me cope is getting out of the house with my friends or them coming over to keep me company. I haven’t said to much on the internet or to others, because for the first time in my life…I just can’t. I’m honestly afraid my Mom won’t last much longer. 

My Mother has survived, Valley Fever. Breast Cancer, (twice). A mysterious disease that was never identified, (basically she was septic). A couple of minor heart attacks that eventually led to her having a stint put in her heart. Blood clots, which has left her on permanent blood thinners. She’s had to have a foot and a half of colon removed, which had merged with her bladder. And many, many other non life threatening diseases and procedures. 

This time, however, I think her time is finally run out and I’m not sure I know how to deal with this anymore. I’m scared and angry, and frustrated. I just haven’t felt like being on the internet, because I’m exhausted mentally. I wish things were like they have always been, but its just been a rough couple of months. I haven’t abandoned my accounts or really been on hiatus. Just dealing with a lot of emotional, scary things. 

If it weren’t for AliceDrankThePoison, who checks on me almost daily, and keeps me laughing…I’d probably go insane. I’m hoping to be more visible on here. I miss everyone online. I need you all too, but if I go radio silent from time to time, please be patient. I’m not gone for good. I just don’t have the energy. 

I hope everyone else is well. I hope that you are all having a lovely Spring and that life is blessing you with nothing but happiness. Be grateful you are alive and make every second count. There is a difference between being alive and living. Live! Live your life to the fullest. We don’t always get a second chance. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Say something kind instead of always criticizing. Laugh at the small stuff and focus on the positives. Life is to short. Smile….always. 

-Dare

P.S. I’m sure there is more I’d like to say or that I have left something out. My mind is pretty overflowing right now, so I feel like this post is just a jumble of information. I’m always open for any questions anyone may have, so if something doesn’t make sense to you, please don’t be afraid to ask me. I can further explain anything you wish to know.